Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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