yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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