Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
