If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't deserve a penis
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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