I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
