he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
