Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
