What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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