What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
