i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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