i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
