I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
