our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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