I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did i walk over a car last night?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
