Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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