I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
