I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
