Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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