you will always have a special place in my vag
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
