Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
