He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
last night I used snow as a chaser
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