you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
