Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just gargled with NyQuil
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
