He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
