Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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