Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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