What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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