Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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