I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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