actually, I'm a sock model
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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