God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
