what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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