Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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