: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
