Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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