He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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