He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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