i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
