I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i drank out of a bidet.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
