This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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