Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
