I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
