Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
