I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
