after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize