The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
