I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
