ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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