I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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