I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
