Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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