My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There's always time for handjobs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize