You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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