who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
