All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
