Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
