If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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